Ridin’ Solo

I was raised in a household where success was expected and independence a necessity. My mother taught my sister and I one of the most beautiful lessons you can learn – almost anything is achievable if you work really freaking hard at it. And we all did, my mom included.  But somewhere along the way we lost the sense of community and codependency. We became fiercely independent to the fate of selfish success. I’ve picked up and moved my entire life for this running dream without even considering the man I was living with. What good are the accolades without someone to share them with?

Over Easter dinner my family, once again, embarked on the question of what I’m doing with my life. As friends and peers settle down I’m still ridin’ solo, which, although may seem like it, is not actually my goal. My ideal is to be Kara Goucher. I want to be an overly fit housewife. I want to run in the Olympics. I want a rug rat of my own. I want a supportive husband/companion/hottie. But before I could even finish my family butted in with their pessimistic image of me standing on the corner 10 years from now, in rags, begging for money to feed my 3 starving children. Because in a single parent matriarchal family, that’s the mentality – if you don’t make your own money you’ll be enslaved to the one that feeds you. Divorcees never advocate for codependency; they want you to hide a secret stash of money from your husband for when it doesn’t work out and ridicule you for considering someone else’s feelings. Because letting people in spoils your independence and is poison to the apple of success.

People constantly ask why I’m single as if I’ve made a conscious decision not to meet a nice man. The list of ‘why’s’ is very long my friends. Because I’m afraid of vulnerability. Because I don’t understand why someone would genuinely go out of their way for me. Because I’m scared to waste my vacation days on someone I may move away from before we even take the vacation. Because I don’t know what being in a rewarding relationship looks like. Because I’m broken, jaded, and bruised. Because I’m doomed from a family of 4 divorces. Because everyone I love dies in an accident. Because I’m too damn stubborn to let someone help me. Because I fear becoming the face of my childhood. Because ridin’ solo means I can’t hurt anyone else.

8 thoughts on “Ridin’ Solo

  1. Please know you are loved so much by so many. We trudge thru this thing called life, sometimes we can even smile. Your incredibly awsome you just dont know it in your heart yet. You will.

    1. Thanks, I know it, I just know I’m not perfect. As long as they don’t overwhelm me I enjoy learning from my flaws. And I know there’s someone else out there feeling the same way. And they are awesome too!

  2. Please know you are loved We trudge thru this thing called life, sometimes we can even smile. Your incredibly awesome you just dont know it in your heart yet. You will.

  3. That is so incredibly courageous to write like this! I know for a fact that this has had an incredibly positive impact on some young athletes. To know that as great athletes, they don’t have to always be happy or fake a front, that even someone who seems like they have so much positive can still hurt from other events in their lives and it is ok to feel that way as long as you don’t close yourself off or bury it all inside. Allie, you are wonderful and you have so much to offer and influence the very young people that you enjoy engaging with. Turn all this into good and continue to make a difference in this world! And never forget that you do have many that love and support you!

  4. I don’t know you well enough to offer any great advice. But please know that sharing and being vulnerable and exposed in your thoughts is very uplifting to others. I have had the supreme privilege of being raised in an amazing family, but even still, I learned some tough lessons and was quite broken before I realized that even a great family wouldn’t get me through life. I started believing in the God I was raised to follow for real at that point and life really turned around. That was also when I started running and the new friends I’ve made through that are the best support system anyone could ask for. Solo means no one gets hurt maybe, but there are some great people out there worth being around. Hope you find some soon, keep running and being awesome!

  5. Your youtube video is incredible. Your running form looks perfect. You are extremely talented. I really enjoy reading about you and your life…

  6. Hi Riding Solo! I don’t think we meant to come off so harsh, but unfortunately our childhood rubs off on you! I have put a lot of thought on relationships also. I know a lot of married people throughout my life and it comes down to: a good marriage needs constant nurturing from both partners. It just isn’t easy, that is all. I think it is possible. Choose wisely, then treat kindly!

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