I was raised in a household where success was expected and independence a necessity. My mother taught my sister and I one of the most beautiful lessons you can learn – almost anything is achievable if you work really freaking hard at it. And we all did, my mom included. But somewhere along the way we lost the sense of community and codependency. We became fiercely independent to the fate of selfish success. I’ve picked up and moved my entire life for this running dream without even considering the man I was living with. What good are the accolades without someone to share them with?
Over Easter dinner my family, once again, embarked on the question of what I’m doing with my life. As friends and peers settle down I’m still ridin’ solo, which, although may seem like it, is not actually my goal. My ideal is to be Kara Goucher. I want to be an overly fit housewife. I want to run in the Olympics. I want a rug rat of my own. I want a supportive husband/companion/hottie. But before I could even finish my family butted in with their pessimistic image of me standing on the corner 10 years from now, in rags, begging for money to feed my 3 starving children. Because in a single parent matriarchal family, that’s the mentality – if you don’t make your own money you’ll be enslaved to the one that feeds you. Divorcees never advocate for codependency; they want you to hide a secret stash of money from your husband for when it doesn’t work out and ridicule you for considering someone else’s feelings. Because letting people in spoils your independence and is poison to the apple of success.
People constantly ask why I’m single as if I’ve made a conscious decision not to meet a nice man. The list of ‘why’s’ is very long my friends. Because I’m afraid of vulnerability. Because I don’t understand why someone would genuinely go out of their way for me. Because I’m scared to waste my vacation days on someone I may move away from before we even take the vacation. Because I don’t know what being in a rewarding relationship looks like. Because I’m broken, jaded, and bruised. Because I’m doomed from a family of 4 divorces. Because everyone I love dies in an accident. Because I’m too damn stubborn to let someone help me. Because I fear becoming the face of my childhood. Because ridin’ solo means I can’t hurt anyone else.